Okay. This is my first normal entry.

This week has been a really good week. Except for the fact that I haven't done anything that I needed to do for any of my classes.  *sigh* Oh well. Only 12 days to go before summer.

Wednesday I went to a really good concert here on campus. Delirious? and Rock and Roll Worship Circus played. They were both very good and I'm looking forward to getting more of their stuff. (I especially liked that Delirious? is from the UK.)

Lately I've been making a lot of visits to Hot Topic. This store is so great! I love the sarcasm and wit. And who can resist the childhood reminders in every nook and cranny. I got a great sticker there the other day. The one that says, "The flying hamster of doom rains coconuts upon your pitiful city!" Don't lie, you know you love that one too. It even has a pic of a hamster with wings. What could be better!

So speaking of hamsters of doom, I bet you would like to know what happened to that crush I had, like, two days ago. I'm so glad you asked.  Well, nothing is happening. I spoke with him briefly today and I don't thimk we quite understood each other. We were laughing over an incident involving a gay man, a salad dressing stained suit and a german woman. I made a joke and he seemed tou find it random. His response was kind of dry and to the point. Maybe I just didn't get him though. Hmmm. unlikely but I guess it can happen.  

Okay, serious thought for the day. So in recent times I've been struggling over my beliefs on God and some moral codes. They themselves being besides the point, I've felt very guilty in allowing myself room to doubt. I grew up in the church and still love it, but I have to wonder how much of it is just engrained in me and how much is really a deep conviction. On top of that, how much of what I've been taught is even true.

So here I am, amidst all this guilt, doubt, searching, and confusion. Then last night (well, technically 4:30 in the morning) I turn on this religious based talk show. The man being interviewed was the inspiration behind 7th Heaven. His answer to a question about the role of doubt in a believer's life may have changed my entire viewpoint. He seemed to think that doubt is inherent in the concept of faith. After all, if there were no room to doubt then it would be a certainty and a certainty doesn't require any faith to believe it. So faith requires room to doubt or it wouldn't be faith.

Simple, I know. Yet it was really revolutionary to me. It took away all the guilt I had over questioning. It even gave me permission to be confindent in spite of  how different I am for most Christians.

So there. Random seriousness for the day. Hope that helped someone out. Thanks for listening.

Okay. So yesterday's problem seems much further away today. Forgive my lapse of indulgent silliness.

I talked with one of my really close friends from Florida today. Michael gave me great advice for my crush. He basically said to go for it with the boy and get out in front of him (not obnoxiously of course, just remind him that I exist) and if he finds that scary or overwhelming then too bad. Sort of a whoever-is-left-standing-wins kinda deal.

I'm not really all that weird or anything but I'm just teeming with passion. It can be rather annoying. When I'm onto a subject, I'm on it.

Like my latest passion -- "Peter Pan" -- the new movie version. I adore this movie. The visuals, the writing, the acting, the actors, the directing, and more specifically -- I love Jeremy Sumpter. I know he's only 15 but he is so cute. Would that he where 24. Alas.  

Well, I'd better go to sleep or I'll never get anything done tomorrow.

Okay, I'm writing again today. I know we've just meet and that I should give you basic info on myself before launching into personal details, but ... I think you'll get over it. So here goes...

I've been feeling very rejected lately. I have plenty of friends...the really good kind too...they all go out of theor way for my regularly...in fact I don't do enough for them. So then why do I feel rejected? I don't know but I do. In other words It's really silly but I still feel this way. Okay here is the way of it..

I have a crush on this boy (nickname still under debate; I always nickname). I want to get to know him better because he is funny and friendly and outgoing  and interesting. But I'm a chicken and have no real reason to talk to him. I never see him during the day. In fact our paths almost never cross, EXCEPT when I'm with my bud Kristen. Well, due to my chickenness she got to take him to a banquet last week. I actually suggested it so I can't blame her. But now she has a crush on him too. Fine..whatever..it's not up to us anyway...it's really up to him. So now the stories start pouring in about he said this or that about the banquet. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I somehow know right away what is coming next. Our friend Joy turns to me and says, "It's a very good place your at... not being emotionally committed till you see what he thinks. That's very wise of you." then she turns to Kristen, "He is clearly into you! That's so fun."

I'm wise and he's into Kristen.

How did this happen.

It doesn't really matter how it happened. No one is at fault and I'm not angry at anyone. The only thing that makes me sad is that I spent the banquet being so silly that I think I overwhelmed him. Then, on top of that, he never sees me around and therefore we never get to talk so he'll never know what I'm actually like. So he isn't really deciding against me...he never had enough info to make that decision. So what does that add up too anyway.

Here I am. Feeling rejected (though rather unjustly) and Sad.

Thanx for listening.

Hi. Thought I'd give this a try. Don't kknow if I'll update very often. We'll see. Thanx for stoppin' in.